“‘Sup, lady.” He greets her outside her restaurant, same sunglasses and t-shirt as always, and she throws her arms around him. They kiss, and she actually takes his hand as they start walking away.
Your name is Problem Sleuth, and this is how you find out your sister is dating Midnight City’s most sicknasty ill beatmaster. And you are not happy about it.
"Hey!" you shout, and step out into the light of the lamppost. "The hell’s going on here?"
HD and DJ Durty Dedsmup2 - more colloquially known as Bro - turned around, him throwing his arm around her shoulders as they did. You are shouting. “What the fuck is this? This asshole, Dame? What? How long has this been going on?” Bro steps forward and suddenly there’s a katana at your throat. You roll your eyes, instead of shutting up. “Please, one fucking katana? See, Dame, this is what I’m talking about - this guy’s fucking ridiculous!”
"Problem Sleuth," she says, a little shrilly, but no less determined for it, "how dare you try to tell me what kinda guy I can step out with!" She’s next to Bro in a flash, her shaking hands around his bicep. "What do you even know’a this guy, huh?"
You falter, because she has a point, even though she’s your little sister and as far as you’re concerned she’s still nine years old and only allowed to date boys who you’ve had the chance to interview extensively first. The fact that you yourself are in your late forties and she is closing in on forty herself has nothing to do with it. “He’s … he’s a DJ and he’s got this weird thing for …” You trail off, and then cross your arms and step back from the sword at your throat. “What do you even have in common?” you snap, finally.
Bro smirks, and Dame goes off on you. “None of yours, Sleuth! You’re so stinkin’ nosy. Like I said, I can see who I like, and you ain’t got a say in it.” She almost sticks her tongue out at you - you catch her stopping it right before it happens. “But if you gotta know he likes stuffed animals too, and he’s got a lotta swords.”
"She’s got a sweet teddy bear that turns into a knife," Bro points out. And then they smile at one another.
"Anyway," she says, suddenly scowling again as she looks back at you. "That’s all you’re gonna know, Sleuth, since you’re so dang rude about it." She snorts. "More’n you an’ that mobster have in common, anyway,” she adds with a smirk, right before they turn to leave. “See you around.”
You watch them go, and you seethe. She’s your little sister, and you hate it when she’s right.
Oh hey, I have this, too.
I mean I’m apparently on the list to get an Ao3 account tomorrow, so obviously I’m going to post my fics here instead, to get one last chance to use tumblr’s awesome story hosting services oh yesss.
Anyway I was rambling to my cousin about HD dealing with the dangerous people PS interacts with and this happened:
i think this is my new favorite thing
trex don’t stop don’t stop don’t stop
So uh, weird headcanon, Hysterical Dame is more like Problem Sleuth than Nervous Broad is like Pickle Inspector, because PI had way better imagination and is possibly the sort to do a lot of character building, while Problem Sleuth’s mind, when confronted with ‘female alter ego’ made something that was pretty much… Well, a girl version of Sleuth. At which point I was like ‘… wait, wouldn’t making out with your opposite-gendered counterpart be like… making out with your brother/sister?’ so uh… uh…
short version: PS and HD are more like brother and sister than a functioning couple.
I… uh. I’m writing a longer thing exploring that, but to warm up for it I wrote this:
THIS IS WONDERFUL AND NOTHING HURTS.